I am home under Portland’s gray skies, sitting outside in a neighborhood coffee shop, and writing this letter to you. It feels like it’s 2019! There are kids and dogs and grown-ups and conversations all around me. This cafe is teeming with life, and I feel the energy of it. 

There is a queer couple sitting at a table next to me, and they look as though they could be straight out of a Portlandia episode with matching outfits I can only describe as “1900s railroad chic.” Denim jeans rolled up above the ankles on one of them. Overalls, on the other. Chambray shirts, red suspenders, handkerchiefs tied in a knot around their necks, and matching pageboy caps. Adding to the scene is their adorable and misbehaved corgi, who barks at the change in the direction of the wind.

My new friend, an Oakland transplant, deadpans, “Quintessential Portland, right?” 

“I think so,” I reply. I’m so delighted by all of it and happy to be in a world bustling with life and self-expression again. It’s giving me a little lift and a little hope.

I spent the past week in Saint John in the U.S. Virgin Islands as a guest of one of my best friends. I wrote about my feelings in an IG post (where I sometimes put my in-between Substack thoughts). If you don’t follow me on Instagram or Facebook, I post photos or stories on these platforms daily. Give it a look-see. I’d love to see you there.

At the start of my trip, I rewatched this TEDx talk by photographer Louis Schwartzberg on the plane. It helped set the tone for my holiday. I hadn’t watched it in years, and I think it still holds up. It makes me weepy every time I watch it. (But I am a real softie.)

Here is an excerpt from the transcript. It’s worth the read (and watch):

“Beauty and seduction are nature’s tool for survival because we protect what we fall in love with. It opens our hearts and make us realize we are a part of nature and we are not separate from it. 

When we see ourselves in nature, it also connects us to every one of us, because it’s clear that it’s all connected in one. When people see my images a lot of times they’ll say, “Oh my God!” Have you ever wondered what that meant? The “Oh” means it caught your attention, makes you present, makes you mindful. The “my” means it connects with something deep inside your soul. It creates a gateway for your inner voice to rise up and be heard. And “God”, God is that personal journey we all want to be on to be inspired, to feel like we’re connected to a Universe that celebrates life.

Did you know that 80% of the information we receive comes through our eyes? And if you compare light energy to musical scales it would only be one octave that the naked eye can see, which is right in the middle. And aren’t we grateful for our brains that can take this electrical impulse that comes from light energy to create images in order for us to explore our world? And aren’t we grateful that we have hearts that can feel these vibrations, in order for us to allow ourselves to feel the pleasure and the beauty of nature? Nature’s beauty is a gift that cultivates appreciation and gratitude.

If you do nothing else but to cultivate that response to the great gift that this unique day is, if you learn to respond as if it were the first day in your life, and the very last day, then you will have spent this day very well. Begin by opening your eyes and be surprised that you have eyes you can open. That incredible array of colors that is constantly offered to us for pure enjoyment.

Look at the sky. We so rarely look at the sky. We so rarely note how different it is from moment to moment, with clouds coming and going. We just think of the weather. And even of the weather, we don’t think of all the many nuances of weather. We just think of good weather and bad weather.

This day, right now, has unique weather, maybe a kind that will never exactly in that form come again. The formation of clouds in the sky will never be the same that is right now. Open your eyes. Look at that. Look at the faces of people whom you meet. Each one has an incredible story behind their face, a story that you could never fully fathom. Not only their own story, but the story of their ancestors. We all go back so far. And in this present moment, on this day, all the people you meet, all that life from generations and from so many places all over the world, flows together and meets you here like a life-giving water, if you only open your heart and drink.”

I tend to adventure when I travel places, but this time I stayed put and did nothing but stare at the sea and sand. Instead of moving through wild landscapes to get to the next vista, I sat in the same spot and observed how the sun changed the color of the ocean from moment to moment. I watched an afternoon storm roll in and greeted it with joy as it pelted on me from every angle. I stared at the clouds and watched them move across the azure sky. Sitting still helped me work through some things I had trouble letting go of. It restored me, and now I feel like my happy self again. 

“I am not sad anymore. Or mad,” I explained to this person in my life. “I am just grateful, and I’ve learned a lot.” 

“It bet flushing out the reservoir of feelings feels amazing,” they replied. That’s not quite how I would phrase it, but it does feel good to move past being disgruntled about the disappointments of this past year. It’s been my experience that the most powerful lessons are often the hardest or most painful. I wish it weren’t the case, but it often is.

This year I realized my limitations. Other people’s limitations. And I learned to live without definitive answers. All very difficult things for me to be okay with, but I am (mostly) okay with it now. Even the hard things are gifts if you let them be, and I have finally agreed to let them be. Come what may.

Maybe it’s me, but life feels like it’s coming back. Not in the big ways we might all hope, but in the small, subtle ways, like a warm breeze on a hot summer’s day. My health is better. My heart is getting stronger. It feels like a bit of magic is taking hold again. Once again, I see all the possibilities out there.

Because I was curious, I looked up Saint John (the Catholic saint) this morning and discovered he is the patron saint of love, loyalty, friendships, and authors. Of course, he is. Call it magic, divine intervention, or a sign from the universe … I’ll take the prayers and grace today and every day.

Love,

Giyen

PS. Thank you for your well wishes and for keeping me in your thoughts. It feels incredible to feel like I am turning a corner.